Before going into the hospital I had talked to someone about wanting to have a break, to host get a pause, to not have responsibilities. She said it’d be nice to be able to just be in the hospital, not for anything fatal, for a while. I agreed and it was something I had thought before too.

But that did happen to me very shortly after that. Not because she said that. That was pure coincidence. And a bizarre coincidence. And it didn’t help. It wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t a relief. It wasn’t much of a respite. It was one of the pauses where you’re hiding in the forest before you have to come out and start running for your life again. After getting out of the hospital I went to Austin and it was a continuation of that.

I used to have a feeling that I was going to die soon or something so terrible was going to happen that I was basically going to die/lose my mind. I don’t know when that transitioned to me feeling like I survived past my expiration date, that I’m not supposed to still be living. It sounds like I’m suicidal, and honestly I do think of death often as an escape but not something I would ever actually do.

I just want “it” to stop.

It: feeling of doom, feeling so tired, struggling with every day, disinterest, disconnect, crave for attention, lack of motivation. The physical parts: nausea, episodes, fatigue, distracted.


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