On good days like yesterday, the day starts with relief, which brings hope for an easy mental health day. Or at least as easy as it can get. I manage with little effort. I don’t feel heavy trying to last until sleep. Productivity seems possible and presents itself as so. Social interactions aren’t trying, not using up what little energy there may be.
Other times a day can start off good, manageable, hopeful; then I feel betrayed when what I thought was a sturdier foundation cracks and crumbles more and more until the end of the day I sit on debris. A sugar statue melted away easily by rain.
Do you wage war against the salty sea?
When it savagely licks your bow,
do you blame the gods you cannot see?
Yelling you will not cow.
Or when navigating waves of hits,
do you laugh when they miss?
The chaos is not a new friend.
Not even if it is your end.
Perhaps you bark a bitter laugh
hearing that others have never seen worse?
Glaring at their easy path,
Do you look downcast and mumble a curse?
Optionally, battle-weary through your trudge
you offer solidarity instead of judge
with wont for what cannot be controlled;
the treasured calm, the reckoned rolls, the inexorable tumolt
I wander my wasteland where wells of water gush forth life.
Where drops of water even offer respite.
Air of despair, dust of self despite;
escape is nowhere in sight.
Mirages appear, although in here they are real,
and are a peer
and a step
into what should be here.
I’m at that point where I’m annoyingly self-aware, self-deprecating, too full of everything that has been said before and will be said again by anyone that will feel this way. That sick of feeling sick of feeling tired of being tired of sick of feeling tired of feeling sick.
domestic violent sister
physically and emotionally absent dad
being the middle-man, “golden child” (comparably at least)
Being depressed, later finding out it was bipolar disorder all along
Mom attempting suicide, blaming my sister and me
Emotionally abusive partner after that ^, a little physical in the end
Not remembering things chronologically in those dark times, like a few years
Having my daughter
Being alone with my daughter because my husband was undocumented
Separating long-distance from said husband
Bringing said husband back with green card
Being a single mother on government assistance until “back on my feet”
Found the man of my dreams~
Have seizure-like episodes
Go to hospital for a few days because episodes
Episodes said to be seizure-like migraines (like how there are stroke-like migraines I guess)
Decided to blog
Things that I imagine that also go through people’s head:
so many have it far more worse (fact)
but doesn’t make my problems less real (true)
maybe others can relate (hopefully)
I guess cathartic to write about
I could write a book with the shit I’ve been through (not really because not that interesting and I don’t have the memory to or the conviction)
Lists are easy