Maniacal

Manic days have me feeling
crazed.
Similar to feeling high off of caffeine
but unable to get away.
A soundless ringing in my head to do something,
do anything,
lose myself in something.
Insert a Mad Hatter reference.
As for my preference,
I think I would choose
the dips,
the lows,
the crying for who knows
and not this obsessive static in my head
my best escape is bed
I pick at my face
almost like I could get my brain to escape,
craving
tranquility
but it’s beyond my ability.

Advertisements
Maniacal

Foundations

On good days like yesterday, the day starts with relief, which brings hope for an easy mental health day. Or at least as easy as it can get. I manage with little effort. I don’t feel heavy trying to last until sleep. Productivity seems possible and presents itself as so. Social interactions aren’t trying, not using up what little energy there may be.

Other times a day can start off good, manageable, hopeful; then I feel betrayed when what I thought was a sturdier foundation cracks and crumbles more and more until the end of the day I sit on debris. A sugar statue melted away easily by rain.

Foundations

Salvageable

I’ve realized Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a great analogy of my struggle. I fight to keep from turning, from losing myself for good. My energy, all the effort it takes to resist. How can you fight from becoming something else when the effort itself is driving you towards it? I’m exhausted trying to find a cure, meanwhile I am becoming not me, losing what makes me me. If a final transformation happens, I won’t be me. I’ll be gone. So what self-destruction I inflict is to get away from myself. It means I gave in, I couldn’t fight anymore. The closer I come to understanding, the closer it seems I will become it, the more it makes sense. How easy it would be to let the rock roll back and end me? To let myself be whittled away and stop trying to rebuild? Can I be salvaged?

Salvageable